quick update

so i'm still alive, but just barely. i survived a week of the flu, missed way too many classes, and should be studying like there is no tomorrow. however, the last remains of the flu are making me fall asleep as soon as i hit the books, so i am stuck writing meaningless ditties on xanga.

i've been on a rough path lately, emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually. i can honestly say most of it is my own fault. i've been pushing myself in a lot of ways, and one of those ways is away--away from people, away from God, away from everything. i've been trying to hide inside myself, hide anywhere, not deal with things such as relationships and consequences. i know they're there, i just don't want to face them.

fortunately, God doesn't give up on me that easy, and neither do loving people. i always need to be pursued, and He never fails to chase me down and tackle me. it's gonna be slow going on the way back, but things are going to be different.

i'm loving the church i'm going to right now. such wonderful people, and practical teaching almost every sunday. home group and man group start up again this week, which i am excited about. (and stressing about because they cut into study time... but what the heck, i'll be learning this stuff for the next 50 years of my life.)

need to get going again, lots of pharmocology to study. just wanted to let the xanga world know i'm not dead... yet.

Currently Takk... By Sigur Rós Saeglopur see related

someone hit the brakes, please, i'd like to get out and puke.

whoa. this ride is going a little too fast. =)

ah, another week of exams! right after a glorious break! i really, really, really don't feel like studying tonight, but i am DETERMINED to make it through at least 3 lectures tonight, just to lighten the load tomorrow.

some thoughts:

i sleep in a twin size bed (or thereabouts). most of the people here sleep on queens. why? because, as i explain tactfully, they are expecting company. i am not.

i say "i love you" to people. a LOT. i also propose to them as well. a lot. i realized that is my "Christian" version of what they say to each other (i.e. "i want to have sex with you"). it's funny to think of the difference in paradigms. i'll let you chew on that one for a while.

i am very much in love with the church i am going to right now (new life christian fellowship, downtown version) and the home group (refridgerator rights) that i go to on wednesday nights and the men's group (MAN group) on thursdays. i needed this.

i say "I" a lot. look over the past few paragraphs. it's there, sprinkled like cheese on an omlet... OMW, food. i love food. i ate poorly today. i am still moving in to my new place, and i don't have a microwave, and i have TONS of frozen stuff from mom. i ate an AMAZING omlet for breakfast, and a box of mac and cheese for lunch (and dinner later). oh, and i made a delicious, nutritous pineapple juice/protein/spirulina/coconut smoothie powder/red lightning antioxidant powder drink/mix/brain fuel thing. it was AWESOME.

people don't really care what you're wearing, usually, unless they are fashion-obsessive, and then it's hardly worth listening to them, because you can't afford what they think you should be wearing anyway. most of the time, people compliment you on what you're wearing because they can safely assume they dressed well enough for you to say something nice back, or they want to see you smile right off the bat because you feel better about yourself and your ability to dress yourself without any help in the morning (otherwise known as flattery). and it's less awkward than talking about the weather. some people like hearing the compliments, though, and get dressed all snazzy or outlandish or just different so people will look and take notice.

spinning off of that, again, i say this: everyone walks around with invisible signs that say "love me," "need me," "notice me," "hold me," "want me." so i do. because i see the signs sometimes. it's the way she looks at you, or the way he laughs too loud, or the words she doesn't say, or the way he sits funny, or the clothes they wear that draw your eyes to their body... or away from it, as the case may be. deep down, they just want to catch your attention, hook you, draw you in, hope you somehow see past the things that attracted you to them, and then maybe you'll love them for THEM, not for their peacock-parade. it's hard to do that. i have to remind myself that we humans are not... well, humans. we're souls. these bodies we wear are like clothing, too. they're machines; organic, biological technology that we occupy, control, and maintain. but the PERSON is not the body. the body presents the PERSON to the world in a container, a vessel. if we all were blind, we would know the real PERSON a lot better. how would you describe a person if you were blind? she's not tall, black, lanky, with big teeth and small breasts. he's not big, muscular, attractive, brown headed and white. no. she's the girl with the infectuous laugh who talks to you anytime you need her. he's the guy you go to when you need a favor, and he knows lots of good stories. it's hard to even write down what PEOPLE are like because we all pay so much attention to the outside... we just catch bits and fragments of the real creature that drives the carbon-based machinery.

in other news, i think i freak people out sometimes. most of the time, people like me, love me even. but sometimes, i think i get into their bubble a little too much. NGU people were very tolerant of me (most of them). i am the most physically touchy-feely person i know. i think. unfortunately, most of that attention is directed at guys. cara marie told me her brother is like that, as are most of the guys in her youth group. the reasoning is this: we (Christian guys who respect females) are shy about getting all touchy-feely with females, so all that physicalness gets unleased on our poor unsuspecting male comrades. i think if i were not reserved physically with girls, they would be REALLY freaked out too. i've slept in the same bed with more guys than i can count, given dozens (hundreds?) of massages, cuddled (for hours) with, hugged, molested, and yes, kissed other guys. i think i might need to carry around a disclaimer or friendship waiver. ha, i think i'll go write that up right now...

wait, i signed up for this?!

haha, this is going to be a stressful week, but i think i definitely say this is AWESOME compared to having 3 papers due the same week! i really just like to whine...

went running today, bought new shoes, they killed my feet... is that supposed to happen when you first start running? i'm trying to be less of a lardo.

i need to study. i have 5 tests next week.

learning a lot about touch, and connecting to people, and thinking about OTHERS instead of myself. it's a lot of really cool stuff... i'm never bored.

more later...

same planet, different worlds (writing contest entry)

dear diary:
last week was the best spring break ever.
so katie and allison and i went to doug's beach house (he was away with his family on a cruise, how lame is that? a family cruise?) for the week, and were planning on having a totally FAB time. well, guess who was staying at the beach house RIGHT NEXT DOOR?! that's right, chip! (you know, chip-the-really-hunky-ex?) gawd, he's still so yummy, and i haven't paid that much attention to him at school, so seeing him again was like *whoa*.

anyhoo, we saw him on the beach a few times *melt* and i think he made eyes at me. geez, maybe he still has the hots for me, even tho i've gained a few! sooo, i took a chance and wrote him a sweet little note, (you know, that song that was playing when we ran into each other in the mall and it was TOTALLY fate?) with my number and left it on his door leading out to the beach... the night was perfect, breezy, full moon... *sigh* still waiting for the phone call!

mmkay, so band practice went good today, i got my tuba solo PERFECT! *yay!*

laterz! muah!

carrie
--------------------------
Journal:

Went to beach with buds for spring break. Weird-stalker-chic-Carrie was staying next door. What a drag. You know, still can't get over the fact that she called me her "boyfriend" in front of her family... Had good time on the beach though. Got dumb note from someone, probably Carrie, kinda freaked me out. Something about falling for me over again. Think I left it on the beach... Partied with guys til 3 am every night, HARDCORE!!!!!

Football training is going well, this fall should be epic.

-Chip

Contest: http://spaghettipie.wordpress.com/2008/10/01/writing-contest-2-2/

i'm not dead

in class, in med school, just wanted to let you all know i'm ok. getting lots of food, not as much sleep as i would like, but at least 6 hrs/night.

favorite song right now:

LORD OF THE PAST
Bob Bennett
© 1989 Matters Of The Heart Music (ASCAP)

Every harsh word spoken
Every promise ever broken to me
Total recall of data in the memory
Every tear that has washed my face
Every moment of disgrace that I have known
Every time I've ever felt alone

   Lord of the here and now
   Lord of the come what may
   I want to believe somehow
   That you can heal these wounds of yesterday
   (You can redeem these things so far away)
   So now I'm asking you
   To do what you want to do
   Be the Lord of the Past
   (Be the Lord of my Past)
   Oh how I want you to
   Be the Lord of the Past

All the chances I let slip by
All the dreams that I let die in vain
Afraid of failure and afraid of pain
Every tear that has washed my face
Every moment of disgrace that I have known
Every time I've ever felt alone

Well I picked up all these pieces
And I built a strong deception
And I locked myself inside of it
For my own protection
And I sit alone inside myself
And curse my company
For this thing that has kept me alive for so long
Is now killing me.
And as sure as the sin rose this morning,
The man in the moon hides his face tonight.
And I lay myself down on my bed
And I pray this prayer inside my head

   Lord of the here and now
   Lord of the come what may
   I want to believe somehow
   That you can heal these wounds of yesterday
   So now I'm asking you
   To do what you want to do
   Be the Lord of my Past
   You can do anything
   Be the Lord of the Past
   I know that you can find a way
   To heal every yesterday of my life
   Be the Lord of the Past